Finding Her Way Home — One Woman's Search

She Sought Acceptance From Others, But Found It In Herself

   My name is Sheila*. I am a sex addict.

   I've been in recovery for almost six months. I found SAA through a counselor who had been recommended to me by an acquaintance. When my counselor referred me to SAA after hearing only a few minutes of my story, I became discouraged. I figured she was just dumping me off on a support group so that she could get my money each week and then be done with me. I went to the first meeting despite my skepticism. While there, it was suggested to me that I attend six meetings before making any decisions about SAA or my problems. Fortunately, I was able to really listen to the readings and to others share their experiences; within my first few meetings I knew I was in the right place. Nearly every written and spoken word rang true for me, and I was one who never fit in anywhere my entire life.

  My story, which at one time was a compilation of shame-filled secrets that even I was afraid to explore, is much like other stories in SAA. My fears of being female in a "male addiction" were expelled as I began to meet many other women like me. I was also surprised at how well I could relate to many of the mens' experiences. I've learned that early in my life I chose to identify more with my father (drug addict, sex addict) and stepfather (alcoholic and sex addict) than my mother (codependent). If I was going to be screwed up I might as well "have the control" and not become a passive victim like my mother. Admitting I had a problem was not hard to do: at 34 I had about 20 years of experience with compulsive sexual behaviors interspersed with periods of food and drug addictions. Never having been able to put words to my sexual acting out, I simply concluded that I was a slut, a bad person, and destined to live like a tornado, destroying others' lives wherever I went because of my neediness and inability to give myself what I so desperately needed. Because of the intense shame involved in my behaviors, it didn't occur to me that I might not have the power to stop what I was doing. I knew I was miserable and that what I was doing was morally wrong, yet I was afraid to promise myself "never again" because in my heart I knew that was an impossibility.

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