Phoenix Mountain Silhouette
 

Finding Her Way, continued...

 

   As a young child there was little warmth in my home. We had the material basics: enough to eat, enough to cover ourselves, even the annual trip to Disneyland. What I didn't have was parents who slowed down to see me, hear me, accept me, and love me unconditionally. I was taught very early that feelings, especially my feelings, were not important. What was of utmost importance was being the smartest or fastest in my class, keeping the house spotless (or Dad would go into a rage, which was likely to happen regardless), and being quiet and good. So I was the good kid; quiet, out of the way, helpful, never too angry or sad or happy. My life was in my parents' hands, and if I could just keep them happy... of course, they never were happy.

 

   Recovery has helped me understand that I have no control over others, and that I often don't even have power over my own actions. But as a child, and then a teenager, I became an expert at giving myself away in order to get back some form of conditional acceptance and affection. I quickly learned how to harness the reinforcement I got from sex. From the beginning there was no "first base". I went straight from naive to promiscuous, delighting in the new "power" I had discovered. It didn't matter that the boys and men never took the more formal route of meeting me, liking me, dating me, loving me and only then becoming physically intimate - if they wanted me physically that was enough. I got my fix, they got what they'd been looking for, and we were both happy. Except that I wasn't. I was confused, hurting, lost and yet saw no other way to live. Nothing else seemed to appease my emptiness. And I started to require more daring experiences to maintain the "high". If one guy couldn't take care of me there were plenty of others to choose from. And if one wasn't enough maybe two would do it? Or several different men in one day. There were the married men. In college there were professors. Then the "experimental phase" where I sexualized my friendships with other women (and subsequently destroyed those friendships). At work there were always bosses and coworkers. Eventually I acted out with a good friend's husband and their entire family was turned upside down.

 

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This story represents the unique experience of one of our local fellowship. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of all concerned. Please take what you like and leave the rest. Any similarity to real or fictional persons is strictly coincidental.

© 2004, Phoenix Metropolitan Area Intergroup of SAA