Phoenix Mountain Silhouette
 

Finding Her Way, continued...

 

   Everywhere I went, every room I entered, I scoped out and had my feelers working. Everywhere I was I brought destruction and pain, requiring even more self-medicating and avoidance of reality. At 25, I married the most sensitive, loving man I had ever known. I assumed that my wild days were over, that I'd entered a new phase in my life. My husband would be there to help fill that empty void and I wouldn't need to degrade myself anymore. Marriage slowed me down some, but after 18 months I became restless. I missed that feeling of "aliveness" that I could only seem to get through increasingly devious sexual experiences. Realizing I was in a dangerous place, but still not understanding that I was an addict, I brought my husband into the addiction with me. We discovered swingers clubs and acted out together. At least I wasn't cheating on him, I told myself. But eventually I did cheat, because swinging wasn't exciting enough now that I had permission to sleep with other people. Cheating on my husband brought back those old feelings of power and acceptance; it also kept the shame and guilt going. I could be faithful for months or even years, but eventually I was right back in that pit, more frustrated and disgusted with myself than ever.

 

   Some months ago my husband was busy with some serious obligations. I had an opportunity to escape the summer heat and boredom and I went out of town with someone in my own family, never suspecting anything sinister might happen. We were related, for God's sake — what could possibly happen? I was in deep denial despite my history. Within six hours of stepping off the plane we became sexual and for nearly a week I lived in a fantasy. I was the center of the universe and this person became my latest Higher Power. I still thank God for what happened because it had to happen this way. I could not have stopped acting out without having hit bottom, and this was bottom for me. I had never felt such shame as I did when I got home after that trip. At first the shame was based on the fact that I had wanted to continue the sexual relationship and my family member did not. This quickly turned into humiliation, then feeling completely rejected, followed by inexplicable anger at him and myself. I knew in my heart that what I had done was really a symptom of a much deeper problem. I knew I had to face this problem NOW. This time I was not going to allow myself the luxury of fantasizing about suicide, I wasn't jumping into another affair. I could finally see that something in me was broken and that there might possibly be another way to live if I could only figure out where to start.

 

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This story represents the unique experience of one of our local fellowship. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of all concerned. Please take what you like and leave the rest. Any similarity to real or fictional persons is strictly coincidental.

© 2004, Phoenix Metropolitan Area Intergroup of SAA